"HI" ?!?!?!?!?

Hi.

Okay... Hi what?

Hi.

All right, we need to talk about the lack of vocabulary that the average 25-32 year old American man is capable of. I don’t mean it offensively, but as I enter my second day of online dating, and read through my second round of “introductory emails”, I am slightly appalled at the lack of verbage making the online waves.
To begin, I should say I’m quite impressed- seven new emails. Seven! Who would have thought there were seven guys in the entire city who might be remotely interested? But there they are- most are mildly interesting, one is a little more than slightly, and the rest are slightly uninteresting but I’m surprised how many are actually worth looking at. That is, until I open their emails.
I pause on the first one. Did I miss it? Did it even open? And then I realize- the subject line is the same as the message. “Hi,” it says in the subject line. “Hi” it says in the message. That was it. Nothing more. Just… Hi. All right, I get that we’re trying to start a dialogue here with the ultimate goal of perhaps meeting up and starting something real. So when you begin a conversation with “Hi”, you’re at least off to the correct start. But when you end the conversation with “Hi”?
What am I supposed to respond to that? “Oh, darling, thank you so much, how could I ever have lived my life without you?!?!?” Yea, I don’t think so. Let’s try, I don’t know, a name? Even, hi, my name is John. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Perhaps we could talk some more?” How hard is that?
Apparently quite hard because as I continue through the other 7 emails, 3 more are the subject/message email of “Hi”. I find myself glaring at the computer screen as if by some chance it has decided to hide the rest of the message and these relatively attractive guys, these guys who have paid just as much money as I have to get on this website and are, supposedly, looking for the same thing I am- so why aren’t they trying a little harder? I mean, how hard is it to come up with a starter question? Let’s try… “What’s your favorite movie? What’s your favorite time of day? If you had to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” I mean, hello gentlemen, what am I supposed to do with “hi”?
I get that this is nerve racking. I get that this is hard, it’s complicated, it’s making me chew my nails down to the quick and I’m a writer; or at least, attempting to be a writer, so I’ve got a leg up on most of the people out there. But if you’re going to do this, this online dating, this throwing yourself out there with a handful of pictures and some rather odd questions, letting a computer match you with three points to hundreds of others supposedly “perfectly matched for you”, then you’re going to have to do a little better than “Hi”.

Let the War Begin

All right, day one of this online dating bit. It takes 24 hours for the computer (how is a computer supposed to know guys I might be interested in, huh?) to work up some "possible matches" so I did a little snooping of my own. It’s not as horrible as I’d thought- sure, there are plenty of guys on here who are NOT all that awesome sounding (is it bad that I judge them on their spelling? If they can’t even proof read before posting their “story” and get their “there/their/they’re” right, then why would I be interested?!?!) but then there are quite a few cute boys on here too.

I get brave, as I’m sitting in my living room behind my computer with my slippers on and now leaning against a bar, trying to make small talk, and email a few that I think are quite cute. But then I start to notice- all the guys I’m thinking are hot are all asking for “slender/athletic and toned” girls. What is wrong with these guys?!?!? Why do they all want little stick figures? I’m not huge by any means but I’ve got a little extra here and there… is there anything wrong with a very nicely plumped bottom I ask?

I come back a few hours and am surprised to see that a few guys have shown their interest- interested in me none the less! Just wait, I think, as I sit down to respond to them. They don’t know what they’re getting into! My little specimens in my weird scientific experiment… but I answer a few questions, I ask a few more… I’m getting a wide range, which I’m assuming is partly the computer’s fault: it uses a three point match system I’m discovering (3 points? How are supposed to be compatible if he likes dogs, soccer, and traveling too? How is that supposed to generate long lasting love?) and some of these guys are rather odd.

The one nice thing about these online systems is you can be as judgmental as you want and no one can shake a finger at you. I’ve already decided to weed out anyone without a degree- it may be low class of me, but if you can’t keep up mentally we don’t stand a chance. If you can’t spell, I’m not responding either- and, sorry, but my recent trip to India and all the creepers there has me cutting out the odd Indian man who emailed and wanted to hook up for “coffee” before he even knew my name. Yuck.

The greatest surprise was to find two guys (yes count them two!) who showed their interest in me and who I found interesting back- not only were they cute but they looked like, and sounded like (though how often does one lie in their profile? I mean, everyone says they’re looking for serious and that they’re good, loyal, down to earth guys who know how to be gentlemen but the gentlemen can screw you up just as easily as the douchey ones too) they would be pretty cool. So I figure, in for a penny, in for the whole $60 this three month experience is going to cost me… so I write them back.

And now we wait. I’m certainly more articulate when I’m writing things down so I can only hope the guys are too- guess we just have to see, huh?

I’m starting to have a more positive outlook on this… but am still cautious, wading through the water with the amo prepped.

I might have actually lost my mind...

Oh my god. I can’t believe I did it. I did though- there is the confirmation number in my email. Have I lost my mind? Have I lost my dignity? Am I crazy, should I be put away as mentally unstable? I’m not sure but I’ve done it, I’ve really done it.

I’ve signed up on an online dating service.

Seriously, I think I’ve lost my mind. I’m only 25 (all right, 3 months away from 26 which is a little nerve racking) so it’s not like I’m running out of time, my clock isn’t ticking, I’m not some desperate old maid on a shelf… am I? God I hope not. Because this feels a bit desperate to me- the desperate act of a single girl in a city full of men. Or so they say- as far as I'm concerned, all the men are creeps and the few that might be worth my time are already seeing some skinny, pretty blond girl with nothing running around upstairs. What is the appeal?!?!?

But here’s the thing. I made a goal at the beginning of the year, a New Year’s resolution, to go on at least 10 dates this year. Sounds like an easy number to get to, right? Apparently not because as of today, nine and a half months into it, I’ve gone on none. So in order to reach that goal, I’ve caved and entered the dark, tempestuous world of online dating. God willing, I will return, only slightly unscathed.

3 months. I’m giving it 3 months to see what happens. How many guys that I’m interested in are interested back? How many crack pots contact me? How many crazy, off the wall, completely wrong for me guys will find me and hound me? Will I actually make it to any dates? Will I find the one I’m meant to love as all the commercials pronounce? Or will this be a huge waste of money, a giant waste of time, and a rough ride for all the emotions?

Guess we’ll find out.

Take a deep breath. Gird your loins- because we’re going online dating.