So a week between posts. Yes, pretty horrible but it’s not my fault. It’s been a week since I’ve gotten any kind of action and this stupid site. What is up with guys?!?!? I know I’ve asked that before, as all women have, but seriously?!?! I think I had three or four email conversations going and the potential for one coffee date with a guy who seemed pretty cool (he wasn’t the super hottie I’d been talking to, but he would work for a first date) and then all of a sudden… nothing.
And nothing. And more nothing.
Pretty pathetic if you ask me. I waited, and waited some more, and have now tired of it. If men are going to behave like rubber bands as John Gray says in all his books then fine, they can behave like rubber bands- and I’ll be the mean, angry kid who shoots them at people across the room.
Bullseye. Bet that one hurt.
So we set off to try a new round of guys- emailed two who seem moderately all right and then emailed the one who is so far out of my range, so out of the ball park and surrounded by five story walls. It’s an online dating site, right, and if he’s not interested he won’t email me back, right? But oh man, he’s a doctor with the face of a Greek god- the pretty blond hair, defined cheek bones, beautiful smile- and his shoulders, oh his shoulders (well I think they’re great- he only has four pictures up on the site, so…). So all fingers are crossed that hot sexy doctor boy is looking for slightly off kilter writer girl and we’ll adopt lots of cute babies from foreign countries…
That is, if he ever writes me back. If any of them every write me back. Rubber bands need not apply!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
"HI" ?!?!?!?!?
Hi.
Okay... Hi what?
Hi.
All right, we need to talk about the lack of vocabulary that the average 25-32 year old American man is capable of. I don’t mean it offensively, but as I enter my second day of online dating, and read through my second round of “introductory emails”, I am slightly appalled at the lack of verbage making the online waves.
To begin, I should say I’m quite impressed- seven new emails. Seven! Who would have thought there were seven guys in the entire city who might be remotely interested? But there they are- most are mildly interesting, one is a little more than slightly, and the rest are slightly uninteresting but I’m surprised how many are actually worth looking at. That is, until I open their emails.
I pause on the first one. Did I miss it? Did it even open? And then I realize- the subject line is the same as the message. “Hi,” it says in the subject line. “Hi” it says in the message. That was it. Nothing more. Just… Hi. All right, I get that we’re trying to start a dialogue here with the ultimate goal of perhaps meeting up and starting something real. So when you begin a conversation with “Hi”, you’re at least off to the correct start. But when you end the conversation with “Hi”?
What am I supposed to respond to that? “Oh, darling, thank you so much, how could I ever have lived my life without you?!?!?” Yea, I don’t think so. Let’s try, I don’t know, a name? Even, hi, my name is John. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Perhaps we could talk some more?” How hard is that?
Apparently quite hard because as I continue through the other 7 emails, 3 more are the subject/message email of “Hi”. I find myself glaring at the computer screen as if by some chance it has decided to hide the rest of the message and these relatively attractive guys, these guys who have paid just as much money as I have to get on this website and are, supposedly, looking for the same thing I am- so why aren’t they trying a little harder? I mean, how hard is it to come up with a starter question? Let’s try… “What’s your favorite movie? What’s your favorite time of day? If you had to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” I mean, hello gentlemen, what am I supposed to do with “hi”?
I get that this is nerve racking. I get that this is hard, it’s complicated, it’s making me chew my nails down to the quick and I’m a writer; or at least, attempting to be a writer, so I’ve got a leg up on most of the people out there. But if you’re going to do this, this online dating, this throwing yourself out there with a handful of pictures and some rather odd questions, letting a computer match you with three points to hundreds of others supposedly “perfectly matched for you”, then you’re going to have to do a little better than “Hi”.
Okay... Hi what?
Hi.
All right, we need to talk about the lack of vocabulary that the average 25-32 year old American man is capable of. I don’t mean it offensively, but as I enter my second day of online dating, and read through my second round of “introductory emails”, I am slightly appalled at the lack of verbage making the online waves.
To begin, I should say I’m quite impressed- seven new emails. Seven! Who would have thought there were seven guys in the entire city who might be remotely interested? But there they are- most are mildly interesting, one is a little more than slightly, and the rest are slightly uninteresting but I’m surprised how many are actually worth looking at. That is, until I open their emails.
I pause on the first one. Did I miss it? Did it even open? And then I realize- the subject line is the same as the message. “Hi,” it says in the subject line. “Hi” it says in the message. That was it. Nothing more. Just… Hi. All right, I get that we’re trying to start a dialogue here with the ultimate goal of perhaps meeting up and starting something real. So when you begin a conversation with “Hi”, you’re at least off to the correct start. But when you end the conversation with “Hi”?
What am I supposed to respond to that? “Oh, darling, thank you so much, how could I ever have lived my life without you?!?!?” Yea, I don’t think so. Let’s try, I don’t know, a name? Even, hi, my name is John. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Perhaps we could talk some more?” How hard is that?
Apparently quite hard because as I continue through the other 7 emails, 3 more are the subject/message email of “Hi”. I find myself glaring at the computer screen as if by some chance it has decided to hide the rest of the message and these relatively attractive guys, these guys who have paid just as much money as I have to get on this website and are, supposedly, looking for the same thing I am- so why aren’t they trying a little harder? I mean, how hard is it to come up with a starter question? Let’s try… “What’s your favorite movie? What’s your favorite time of day? If you had to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” I mean, hello gentlemen, what am I supposed to do with “hi”?
I get that this is nerve racking. I get that this is hard, it’s complicated, it’s making me chew my nails down to the quick and I’m a writer; or at least, attempting to be a writer, so I’ve got a leg up on most of the people out there. But if you’re going to do this, this online dating, this throwing yourself out there with a handful of pictures and some rather odd questions, letting a computer match you with three points to hundreds of others supposedly “perfectly matched for you”, then you’re going to have to do a little better than “Hi”.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Let the War Begin
All right, day one of this online dating bit. It takes 24 hours for the computer (how is a computer supposed to know guys I might be interested in, huh?) to work up some "possible matches" so I did a little snooping of my own. It’s not as horrible as I’d thought- sure, there are plenty of guys on here who are NOT all that awesome sounding (is it bad that I judge them on their spelling? If they can’t even proof read before posting their “story” and get their “there/their/they’re” right, then why would I be interested?!?!) but then there are quite a few cute boys on here too.
I get brave, as I’m sitting in my living room behind my computer with my slippers on and now leaning against a bar, trying to make small talk, and email a few that I think are quite cute. But then I start to notice- all the guys I’m thinking are hot are all asking for “slender/athletic and toned” girls. What is wrong with these guys?!?!? Why do they all want little stick figures? I’m not huge by any means but I’ve got a little extra here and there… is there anything wrong with a very nicely plumped bottom I ask?
I come back a few hours and am surprised to see that a few guys have shown their interest- interested in me none the less! Just wait, I think, as I sit down to respond to them. They don’t know what they’re getting into! My little specimens in my weird scientific experiment… but I answer a few questions, I ask a few more… I’m getting a wide range, which I’m assuming is partly the computer’s fault: it uses a three point match system I’m discovering (3 points? How are supposed to be compatible if he likes dogs, soccer, and traveling too? How is that supposed to generate long lasting love?) and some of these guys are rather odd.
The one nice thing about these online systems is you can be as judgmental as you want and no one can shake a finger at you. I’ve already decided to weed out anyone without a degree- it may be low class of me, but if you can’t keep up mentally we don’t stand a chance. If you can’t spell, I’m not responding either- and, sorry, but my recent trip to India and all the creepers there has me cutting out the odd Indian man who emailed and wanted to hook up for “coffee” before he even knew my name. Yuck.
The greatest surprise was to find two guys (yes count them two!) who showed their interest in me and who I found interesting back- not only were they cute but they looked like, and sounded like (though how often does one lie in their profile? I mean, everyone says they’re looking for serious and that they’re good, loyal, down to earth guys who know how to be gentlemen but the gentlemen can screw you up just as easily as the douchey ones too) they would be pretty cool. So I figure, in for a penny, in for the whole $60 this three month experience is going to cost me… so I write them back.
And now we wait. I’m certainly more articulate when I’m writing things down so I can only hope the guys are too- guess we just have to see, huh?
I’m starting to have a more positive outlook on this… but am still cautious, wading through the water with the amo prepped.
I get brave, as I’m sitting in my living room behind my computer with my slippers on and now leaning against a bar, trying to make small talk, and email a few that I think are quite cute. But then I start to notice- all the guys I’m thinking are hot are all asking for “slender/athletic and toned” girls. What is wrong with these guys?!?!? Why do they all want little stick figures? I’m not huge by any means but I’ve got a little extra here and there… is there anything wrong with a very nicely plumped bottom I ask?
I come back a few hours and am surprised to see that a few guys have shown their interest- interested in me none the less! Just wait, I think, as I sit down to respond to them. They don’t know what they’re getting into! My little specimens in my weird scientific experiment… but I answer a few questions, I ask a few more… I’m getting a wide range, which I’m assuming is partly the computer’s fault: it uses a three point match system I’m discovering (3 points? How are supposed to be compatible if he likes dogs, soccer, and traveling too? How is that supposed to generate long lasting love?) and some of these guys are rather odd.
The one nice thing about these online systems is you can be as judgmental as you want and no one can shake a finger at you. I’ve already decided to weed out anyone without a degree- it may be low class of me, but if you can’t keep up mentally we don’t stand a chance. If you can’t spell, I’m not responding either- and, sorry, but my recent trip to India and all the creepers there has me cutting out the odd Indian man who emailed and wanted to hook up for “coffee” before he even knew my name. Yuck.
The greatest surprise was to find two guys (yes count them two!) who showed their interest in me and who I found interesting back- not only were they cute but they looked like, and sounded like (though how often does one lie in their profile? I mean, everyone says they’re looking for serious and that they’re good, loyal, down to earth guys who know how to be gentlemen but the gentlemen can screw you up just as easily as the douchey ones too) they would be pretty cool. So I figure, in for a penny, in for the whole $60 this three month experience is going to cost me… so I write them back.
And now we wait. I’m certainly more articulate when I’m writing things down so I can only hope the guys are too- guess we just have to see, huh?
I’m starting to have a more positive outlook on this… but am still cautious, wading through the water with the amo prepped.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I might have actually lost my mind...
Oh my god. I can’t believe I did it. I did though- there is the confirmation number in my email. Have I lost my mind? Have I lost my dignity? Am I crazy, should I be put away as mentally unstable? I’m not sure but I’ve done it, I’ve really done it.
I’ve signed up on an online dating service.
Seriously, I think I’ve lost my mind. I’m only 25 (all right, 3 months away from 26 which is a little nerve racking) so it’s not like I’m running out of time, my clock isn’t ticking, I’m not some desperate old maid on a shelf… am I? God I hope not. Because this feels a bit desperate to me- the desperate act of a single girl in a city full of men. Or so they say- as far as I'm concerned, all the men are creeps and the few that might be worth my time are already seeing some skinny, pretty blond girl with nothing running around upstairs. What is the appeal?!?!?
But here’s the thing. I made a goal at the beginning of the year, a New Year’s resolution, to go on at least 10 dates this year. Sounds like an easy number to get to, right? Apparently not because as of today, nine and a half months into it, I’ve gone on none. So in order to reach that goal, I’ve caved and entered the dark, tempestuous world of online dating. God willing, I will return, only slightly unscathed.
3 months. I’m giving it 3 months to see what happens. How many guys that I’m interested in are interested back? How many crack pots contact me? How many crazy, off the wall, completely wrong for me guys will find me and hound me? Will I actually make it to any dates? Will I find the one I’m meant to love as all the commercials pronounce? Or will this be a huge waste of money, a giant waste of time, and a rough ride for all the emotions?
Guess we’ll find out.
Take a deep breath. Gird your loins- because we’re going online dating.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Rules for the bookstore, lesson 3
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, patrons of your local chain bookstore. I know you have all been reading the rules as they have been posted, so you are well educated as to what is expected of you. Here are a few more to encourage you to have a happy and joyful time.
1. Yes, we got rid of our big comfy chairs. I am so sorry that this has ruined your day, perhaps your week, and for some of you, I know this has altered the course of your life forever. Deal with it. Those chairs were gross- Corporate put them there in the hopes that well respected patrons would purchase their lattes and wile away an afternoon sipping said coffee and enjoying a good book but finally realized that really the chairs brought the homeless, the nasty, the greasy and the flee infested and their mountain of books which they would leave for us lucky booksellers to put away. I wouldn't have sat in one of those chairs even if you'd paid me. Really, we're doing a great service to humanity.
2. We ask you, "did you find everything okay?" because we have to. We ask you, "do you have a membership card?" because we have to. We ask you, "would you like a bag?" because we have to. We get paid minimum wage. We do not get paid to come up with more witty and intellectual questions.
3. DO NOT ask me if I can spell. DO NOT. I work in a bookstore, therefore I have a few more brain cells then the average population and when I ask you to spell something for me, I am simply making sure I have it right or more likely you have it right- because more often than not, you have no idea what the actual title or author is and I am trying to get you to spell it for me so I can understand what you are asking from me. When I ask you to spell "Found" because you said "Funt" DO NOT look at me and say, "You don't know how to spell found?" Soon, Corporate will issue our company tasers and you will be the first I come for.
4. Twilight and the entire world of Twilight, including the new Bree book, is a waste of space on our shelf. Do not try to talk about Twilight with anyone who works at a bookstore, because as before mentioned, booksellers have a few more brain cells than the average human being and we are all aware of how utterly horrible Twilight is. Please contain yourself, purchase your book, feeling the shame you should feel for reading such filth, and kindly get out of our store. Do not come back until you can read something decent.
5. And once again, because I can not stress this enough, we ARE NOT YOUR BABYSITTERS. Do not ask us to watch your children so you can go get a cup of coffee, do not drop them at the Thomas the Train table and slink away, do not bring your enormous stack of porn back to the children's department and then get so wrapped up in it that you don't see what your children are up to (i.e. yanking every single book off the shelf. Appreciate that.) I will not be responsible for what happens to your child when I auction them off on the black market. And I certainly will not share the money with you.
Thank you and have a good night!
1. Yes, we got rid of our big comfy chairs. I am so sorry that this has ruined your day, perhaps your week, and for some of you, I know this has altered the course of your life forever. Deal with it. Those chairs were gross- Corporate put them there in the hopes that well respected patrons would purchase their lattes and wile away an afternoon sipping said coffee and enjoying a good book but finally realized that really the chairs brought the homeless, the nasty, the greasy and the flee infested and their mountain of books which they would leave for us lucky booksellers to put away. I wouldn't have sat in one of those chairs even if you'd paid me. Really, we're doing a great service to humanity.
2. We ask you, "did you find everything okay?" because we have to. We ask you, "do you have a membership card?" because we have to. We ask you, "would you like a bag?" because we have to. We get paid minimum wage. We do not get paid to come up with more witty and intellectual questions.
3. DO NOT ask me if I can spell. DO NOT. I work in a bookstore, therefore I have a few more brain cells then the average population and when I ask you to spell something for me, I am simply making sure I have it right or more likely you have it right- because more often than not, you have no idea what the actual title or author is and I am trying to get you to spell it for me so I can understand what you are asking from me. When I ask you to spell "Found" because you said "Funt" DO NOT look at me and say, "You don't know how to spell found?" Soon, Corporate will issue our company tasers and you will be the first I come for.
4. Twilight and the entire world of Twilight, including the new Bree book, is a waste of space on our shelf. Do not try to talk about Twilight with anyone who works at a bookstore, because as before mentioned, booksellers have a few more brain cells than the average human being and we are all aware of how utterly horrible Twilight is. Please contain yourself, purchase your book, feeling the shame you should feel for reading such filth, and kindly get out of our store. Do not come back until you can read something decent.
5. And once again, because I can not stress this enough, we ARE NOT YOUR BABYSITTERS. Do not ask us to watch your children so you can go get a cup of coffee, do not drop them at the Thomas the Train table and slink away, do not bring your enormous stack of porn back to the children's department and then get so wrapped up in it that you don't see what your children are up to (i.e. yanking every single book off the shelf. Appreciate that.) I will not be responsible for what happens to your child when I auction them off on the black market. And I certainly will not share the money with you.
Thank you and have a good night!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Let the Scum Burn
All right, a cautionary tale for all my followers (i.e. the 3 of you)- this is one huge mother F'in rant- so be warned.
I want to burn the scum; and when I use the term "scum" I'm not referring to the rats and such of the world, but the scum of the earth: those trashy, no good, nothing is ever going to happen to them, filthy, trashy bastards of the world who all need to rot in hell. I'm sorry to all my extremely liberal minded friends out there, but I believe in bills that send illegals home, I believe in getting rid of welfare, I believe in letting those who deserve to rot, rot. Yes, I've had it easy, being from a well to do white family, but that doesn't mean I haven't had to work for my next meal, it doesn't mean that I haven't had to hold three jobs while barely being able to afford rent, it doesn't mean that getting my degrees was a piece of cake- I have worked, and worked hard, to get where I'm at and I'm still a 24 year old working at a bookstore and at daycare. But you know what- I took the initiative and went out there and found myself some jobs so that I could support myself. And you know what? I have the perfect example of how even if you are born with nothing and come from shit, you can still succeed in life- my father.
My father comes from a trashy, hillbilly, redneck white family. He grew up sleeping on the couch, had a total douche for a father (who beat him, I might add, so there's that trama in there as well) and he managed to get himself out- he's now a lawyer at a high paying law firm and despite some ups and downs, he's done remarkable well for himself and I'm extremely proud of him. Why is it only 1 in 1,000,000 who manage to do what my dad does? It's hard, yes, but whatever happened to initiative? Whatever happened to drive and perserverance and determination? Why the hell is this country so damn lazy!??!? Why is it okay for most people to just 'barely pass' high school? Why is it okay for most people to live off their parents or their friends their entire lives? Why is it okay for most people to get knocked up and drag an entire new generation through the same shit hole? Why is it okay to come to this country and work and then send all the money back to Mexico? Why is it okay that we let Mexico let its people do this? (I am aware that the problem is bigger than this and before you go all bleeding liberal on me, I'm usually pretty liberal too but for the moment, I'm furious so deal with it). Why is it okay for so many people to screw over everyone else? When did that become acceptable, even expected? What has happened to a decent sense of pride, in your work, in your home, in the way you lead your life. What happened to good morals and smart behavior, decent decisions and a plan for the future? Why is it that everywhere I look the men and the children, and some of the women, are so attached to their electronic devices that they can't even greet you with respect? Why am I just expected to sit back and take this because, well, it's the way of the world?!?!?!? I say bullshit. Massive massive bullshit.
the underlying root of this massive rant: my beautiful, wonderful home, the home my parents worked so hard to provide for me as a child, the home where all of my most happiest memories were, the home that even when I was across the country or in a different country was still "HOME" was rented out last October to a bunch of white trash, good for nothing scum. And, as you I am sure have already guessed, the destroyed the place. They punched holes through the walls, destroyed the carpet and the doors, were growing WEED in the basement and then had the audacity to deny my step dad entrance because "well, I'm legally allowed to grow weed now", to which he firmly said, "fine but not in my house". There are more issues there, underneath, but I do not feel sorry for these people- they come from trash, yet they do not cease their opportunity, the opportunity this country and pretty much this country alone offers them, to improve their lot in life. They chose to conduct their life in such a manner that they would destroy someone else's property, that they would ruin their own chances of ever being renters again, that they would be evicted and served, sued for damages and breach of contract, etc. All of this, ALL OF THIS, is their fault- they are legal, consenting adults with more years than me behind them- they had time to learn, to observe, to figure out how to live their lives differently from their predecessors and yet they chose not to; the only person I feel sorry for in this whole mess, besides my mother who is devistated, is their 2 1/2 year old daughter who does not deserve this. I hope, sincerely, that social services comes in and removes her. Life in a foster home, life with her grandparents, is better than the parents she's been given.
Where have our morals gone people? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? Why are we sitting back and just taking this shit? Why are we not standing up, saying hell no, this is wrong, this is not a country, a people, that I can stand to call my own let alone feel any iota of pride in; why are we not demanding change and stepping up to the plate to make sure that it happens? I'm sorry, but go Arizona for making it legal to check if you are a citizen, go California for considering banning welfare, go any other state who is willing to step forward and say, I'm sorry, we can no longer be your parent. YOU ARE ADULTS- it's about damn time you started acting like it! Get off your butts, find a job (yes, it's the recession but I was able to do it, a white girl which is the second most unlikely group to hire from these days, behind those oh so unlucky white boys) and get your life on track- stop blaming someone or something else for your problems and for pete's sake stop using them as an excuse! You are not excused! Your incompetence is not excused! And I, for one, am tired of being expected to live beside you, to serve you, to watch you destroy things I hold precious, to watch you destroy my state, my country, my world- I have as much right, perhaps even more right than you because I follow the rules, I try to contribute to society, I am trying to leave this place better than when I arrived. I AM DONE WITH YOU, YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!
So I say, let them burn.
I want to burn the scum; and when I use the term "scum" I'm not referring to the rats and such of the world, but the scum of the earth: those trashy, no good, nothing is ever going to happen to them, filthy, trashy bastards of the world who all need to rot in hell. I'm sorry to all my extremely liberal minded friends out there, but I believe in bills that send illegals home, I believe in getting rid of welfare, I believe in letting those who deserve to rot, rot. Yes, I've had it easy, being from a well to do white family, but that doesn't mean I haven't had to work for my next meal, it doesn't mean that I haven't had to hold three jobs while barely being able to afford rent, it doesn't mean that getting my degrees was a piece of cake- I have worked, and worked hard, to get where I'm at and I'm still a 24 year old working at a bookstore and at daycare. But you know what- I took the initiative and went out there and found myself some jobs so that I could support myself. And you know what? I have the perfect example of how even if you are born with nothing and come from shit, you can still succeed in life- my father.
My father comes from a trashy, hillbilly, redneck white family. He grew up sleeping on the couch, had a total douche for a father (who beat him, I might add, so there's that trama in there as well) and he managed to get himself out- he's now a lawyer at a high paying law firm and despite some ups and downs, he's done remarkable well for himself and I'm extremely proud of him. Why is it only 1 in 1,000,000 who manage to do what my dad does? It's hard, yes, but whatever happened to initiative? Whatever happened to drive and perserverance and determination? Why the hell is this country so damn lazy!??!? Why is it okay for most people to just 'barely pass' high school? Why is it okay for most people to live off their parents or their friends their entire lives? Why is it okay for most people to get knocked up and drag an entire new generation through the same shit hole? Why is it okay to come to this country and work and then send all the money back to Mexico? Why is it okay that we let Mexico let its people do this? (I am aware that the problem is bigger than this and before you go all bleeding liberal on me, I'm usually pretty liberal too but for the moment, I'm furious so deal with it). Why is it okay for so many people to screw over everyone else? When did that become acceptable, even expected? What has happened to a decent sense of pride, in your work, in your home, in the way you lead your life. What happened to good morals and smart behavior, decent decisions and a plan for the future? Why is it that everywhere I look the men and the children, and some of the women, are so attached to their electronic devices that they can't even greet you with respect? Why am I just expected to sit back and take this because, well, it's the way of the world?!?!?!? I say bullshit. Massive massive bullshit.
the underlying root of this massive rant: my beautiful, wonderful home, the home my parents worked so hard to provide for me as a child, the home where all of my most happiest memories were, the home that even when I was across the country or in a different country was still "HOME" was rented out last October to a bunch of white trash, good for nothing scum. And, as you I am sure have already guessed, the destroyed the place. They punched holes through the walls, destroyed the carpet and the doors, were growing WEED in the basement and then had the audacity to deny my step dad entrance because "well, I'm legally allowed to grow weed now", to which he firmly said, "fine but not in my house". There are more issues there, underneath, but I do not feel sorry for these people- they come from trash, yet they do not cease their opportunity, the opportunity this country and pretty much this country alone offers them, to improve their lot in life. They chose to conduct their life in such a manner that they would destroy someone else's property, that they would ruin their own chances of ever being renters again, that they would be evicted and served, sued for damages and breach of contract, etc. All of this, ALL OF THIS, is their fault- they are legal, consenting adults with more years than me behind them- they had time to learn, to observe, to figure out how to live their lives differently from their predecessors and yet they chose not to; the only person I feel sorry for in this whole mess, besides my mother who is devistated, is their 2 1/2 year old daughter who does not deserve this. I hope, sincerely, that social services comes in and removes her. Life in a foster home, life with her grandparents, is better than the parents she's been given.
Where have our morals gone people? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? Why are we sitting back and just taking this shit? Why are we not standing up, saying hell no, this is wrong, this is not a country, a people, that I can stand to call my own let alone feel any iota of pride in; why are we not demanding change and stepping up to the plate to make sure that it happens? I'm sorry, but go Arizona for making it legal to check if you are a citizen, go California for considering banning welfare, go any other state who is willing to step forward and say, I'm sorry, we can no longer be your parent. YOU ARE ADULTS- it's about damn time you started acting like it! Get off your butts, find a job (yes, it's the recession but I was able to do it, a white girl which is the second most unlikely group to hire from these days, behind those oh so unlucky white boys) and get your life on track- stop blaming someone or something else for your problems and for pete's sake stop using them as an excuse! You are not excused! Your incompetence is not excused! And I, for one, am tired of being expected to live beside you, to serve you, to watch you destroy things I hold precious, to watch you destroy my state, my country, my world- I have as much right, perhaps even more right than you because I follow the rules, I try to contribute to society, I am trying to leave this place better than when I arrived. I AM DONE WITH YOU, YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!
So I say, let them burn.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sometimes the most important relationship is a Friendship
I can't help but think, every once in awhile (or more like every couple of days) how much easier it would be to be 24 and living at home and hating my life if I had my friends around me. Because of my travel and my "seize life" attitude, my really good friends are scattered around the world- India, Germany, Wales, Indiana and California. I maintain as much contact with them all as I can, but it's hard when talking to India requires early or odd hours for the both of us. Either way, being able to moan and groan about everyday life is hard to do when your friends are thirteen thousand miles away.
I do, or did, have a friend here at home that I was excited about seeing again when I returned from the UK, but that it turns out was not to be the case. I'll admit, the friendship has been quite rocky for a few years and if I'm brutal with myself, it was going down hill pretty quickly. But I figured we could start out slow again, work our way back up to being the friends we once were.
We'd known each other since seventh grade; we stood next to each other in choir and while she wasn't the first person I thought I'd spend the next ten years of my life with, she turned out to be the best thing to happen to me from middle school.
Boyfriends are extremely important relationships; family is too. But I am of the opinion that a best friend, that one person you tell everything to, you have sleep overs with, you share all your growing up and maturing with, those that you make life plans with to be in their weddings, to be godparents to their children, to travel the world with them... those relationships are the most important of all. And they hurt the most when they go sour.
I'll admit, I was probably the weaker of the two in the friendship. I was unsure about myself on almost everything and yet I was loud and opinionated, trying to cover up my fears by appearing more confident. Cassie however has always been sure of herself; she's always known what she wanted from life and has never waivered or faltered. Or if she has, she never told me.
And there in lies our problem. I would tell Cassie everything- about my parents divorce, about my crushes on the guy in choir, about how much I wanted to bury my brother and sister and let them sprout roots; but Cassie wasn't as vocal; in fact, more often then not I knew nothing about what was going on in her world. When I began to notice this, I thought it was me- that I was talking too much, that I was being selfish and self centered and not allowing her the time and the space to talk. But when I did try, when I made an effort to allow her space to vent, she refused. She didn't have anything she wanted to talk to me about. And that kinda hurt.
Now the big thing that ruined our friendship, that destroyed ten years of assurance and a perfect safety net was jealousy. I'll admit it, I was very protective of our friendship- Cassie wasn't one to have tons of friends and I'd grown fond of being her "one" special one. She had another friend, a very lovely girl she'd met in gymnastics, but we didn't see her very often and after all, she was no threat to our friendship.
But then she was. She moved in with Cassie and the two got impossibly close; sisterly close. Which is fine, I would tell myself, after all you have a sister and Cassie doesn't and everyone should be allowed a sister. But when Cassie began telling this other friend everything, the things I'd for so long wanted her to tell me, when Cassie began spending every minute with this other friend, when we couldn't do anything or go anywhere without this other friend, I got jealous.
When I would bring it up to Cassie, she would tell me that they were trying really hard to make sure I didn't feel like the third wheel. But the part she didn't get was I didn't want to be the third wheel because if our friendship was a strong as we kept pretending it was, then there shouldn't even be a wheel at all. We would patch it up, she would try and spend more time with me, but she would always go back to the other friend and I would once again be left on the sidelines.
Now some of this was my fault- I was so desperate to get away from home, to be on my own, to discover who I was so I could finally feel like I was standing on two feet, that I didn't consider waiting for her; I went to college early so I could get out, I went to Maine to be even farther away, then after college I moved to LA- I wasn't even 21 yet when I packed up and left everything I'd ever known behind. And LA was rough; LA is always rough, but for someone as young and naive as me, who didn't have the best body issue and a wavering level of confidence, LA was a brutal back hand to the face every day. I tried really hard to fit in- I bought the clothes, I grew my hair out so I'd have the long blond hair, I started working out every day and doing weight watcher's; but what I really was was lonely- and being lonely felt like a failure so instead of admitting it, I turned on those I loved- including Cassie.
I attacked her. I told her everything I'd been feeling, how I was jealous, how little and petty she had always made me feel because she'd always been so confident, how I felt like she'd turned her back on me. And instead of just ignoring it and us going back to our rough uneasy friendship, she fired back- hard.
She told me how stupid I was being, how if it was anybody else she'd have ended the friendship long ago, how she was done dealing with all of my bullcrap and if I didn't get over this NOW and get off her back, then we were done.
It really rocked me; I realized, right then, how important having Cassie in my life was, how much of a rock she'd become and even though it was turning into a hurtful relationship, I really thought I needed her to keep going. I realized how lonely I was and how badly I needed to get out of LA- so I found a different plan, applied for grad schools, and came home. We started out rocky again- but we were doing well before I left for Wales, even doing another of our infamous sleep overs with Harry Potter and Mountain Dew. I left feeling like we'd at least begun to repair our friendship.
Wales was a saving grace for me. I felt comfortable there and confident and being there helped me grow in more ways than I can even begin to describe. I came back from Wales actually feeling like an adult and ready to finally be that adult. But what I didn't realize is that in that year, Cassie had also gone her own way, had also found her niche in life, and had decided I was not meant to be part of it.
Of course, she didn't just tell me this. It was like a guy you go on a date with and then don't really want anything to do with so you ignore his phone calls and pretend not to see his emails. We'd talked just a month before about what we were going to do when I got home (i.e. go and see the latest HP movie; it was our thing after all) but after ten phone calls and a slew of texts and emails, I began to realize she wasn't ever going to respond. So I went to her house, collected my stuff, and left. I unfriended her on facebook and deleted her number from my phone- I was making it as impossible as I could for myself to try and plead with her to take me back. But what I discovered was by cutting her off, even though in my bitterness and anger I told myself this would be so much better for me, that not having her around would allow me to keep growing, I missed her. And I still miss her, even months later. Friendships, like relationships, can break your heart when they end. And in some instances, I think, friendships are even worse than relationships because friendships shouldn't end in such an abrupt way. And while this friendship's destruction was mostly my fault, I can't help but blame her too- because it does take two people to end something and while she may think she's done the best thing and cut me off, I can't help but hope that she misses me too, that she wishes we were still talking. There are nights where all I want is to hear her laugh at one of my jokes or have her nudge my shoulder in that secret friendship way of ours.
Alas.
I do, or did, have a friend here at home that I was excited about seeing again when I returned from the UK, but that it turns out was not to be the case. I'll admit, the friendship has been quite rocky for a few years and if I'm brutal with myself, it was going down hill pretty quickly. But I figured we could start out slow again, work our way back up to being the friends we once were.
We'd known each other since seventh grade; we stood next to each other in choir and while she wasn't the first person I thought I'd spend the next ten years of my life with, she turned out to be the best thing to happen to me from middle school.
Boyfriends are extremely important relationships; family is too. But I am of the opinion that a best friend, that one person you tell everything to, you have sleep overs with, you share all your growing up and maturing with, those that you make life plans with to be in their weddings, to be godparents to their children, to travel the world with them... those relationships are the most important of all. And they hurt the most when they go sour.
I'll admit, I was probably the weaker of the two in the friendship. I was unsure about myself on almost everything and yet I was loud and opinionated, trying to cover up my fears by appearing more confident. Cassie however has always been sure of herself; she's always known what she wanted from life and has never waivered or faltered. Or if she has, she never told me.
And there in lies our problem. I would tell Cassie everything- about my parents divorce, about my crushes on the guy in choir, about how much I wanted to bury my brother and sister and let them sprout roots; but Cassie wasn't as vocal; in fact, more often then not I knew nothing about what was going on in her world. When I began to notice this, I thought it was me- that I was talking too much, that I was being selfish and self centered and not allowing her the time and the space to talk. But when I did try, when I made an effort to allow her space to vent, she refused. She didn't have anything she wanted to talk to me about. And that kinda hurt.
Now the big thing that ruined our friendship, that destroyed ten years of assurance and a perfect safety net was jealousy. I'll admit it, I was very protective of our friendship- Cassie wasn't one to have tons of friends and I'd grown fond of being her "one" special one. She had another friend, a very lovely girl she'd met in gymnastics, but we didn't see her very often and after all, she was no threat to our friendship.
But then she was. She moved in with Cassie and the two got impossibly close; sisterly close. Which is fine, I would tell myself, after all you have a sister and Cassie doesn't and everyone should be allowed a sister. But when Cassie began telling this other friend everything, the things I'd for so long wanted her to tell me, when Cassie began spending every minute with this other friend, when we couldn't do anything or go anywhere without this other friend, I got jealous.
When I would bring it up to Cassie, she would tell me that they were trying really hard to make sure I didn't feel like the third wheel. But the part she didn't get was I didn't want to be the third wheel because if our friendship was a strong as we kept pretending it was, then there shouldn't even be a wheel at all. We would patch it up, she would try and spend more time with me, but she would always go back to the other friend and I would once again be left on the sidelines.
Now some of this was my fault- I was so desperate to get away from home, to be on my own, to discover who I was so I could finally feel like I was standing on two feet, that I didn't consider waiting for her; I went to college early so I could get out, I went to Maine to be even farther away, then after college I moved to LA- I wasn't even 21 yet when I packed up and left everything I'd ever known behind. And LA was rough; LA is always rough, but for someone as young and naive as me, who didn't have the best body issue and a wavering level of confidence, LA was a brutal back hand to the face every day. I tried really hard to fit in- I bought the clothes, I grew my hair out so I'd have the long blond hair, I started working out every day and doing weight watcher's; but what I really was was lonely- and being lonely felt like a failure so instead of admitting it, I turned on those I loved- including Cassie.
I attacked her. I told her everything I'd been feeling, how I was jealous, how little and petty she had always made me feel because she'd always been so confident, how I felt like she'd turned her back on me. And instead of just ignoring it and us going back to our rough uneasy friendship, she fired back- hard.
She told me how stupid I was being, how if it was anybody else she'd have ended the friendship long ago, how she was done dealing with all of my bullcrap and if I didn't get over this NOW and get off her back, then we were done.
It really rocked me; I realized, right then, how important having Cassie in my life was, how much of a rock she'd become and even though it was turning into a hurtful relationship, I really thought I needed her to keep going. I realized how lonely I was and how badly I needed to get out of LA- so I found a different plan, applied for grad schools, and came home. We started out rocky again- but we were doing well before I left for Wales, even doing another of our infamous sleep overs with Harry Potter and Mountain Dew. I left feeling like we'd at least begun to repair our friendship.
Wales was a saving grace for me. I felt comfortable there and confident and being there helped me grow in more ways than I can even begin to describe. I came back from Wales actually feeling like an adult and ready to finally be that adult. But what I didn't realize is that in that year, Cassie had also gone her own way, had also found her niche in life, and had decided I was not meant to be part of it.
Of course, she didn't just tell me this. It was like a guy you go on a date with and then don't really want anything to do with so you ignore his phone calls and pretend not to see his emails. We'd talked just a month before about what we were going to do when I got home (i.e. go and see the latest HP movie; it was our thing after all) but after ten phone calls and a slew of texts and emails, I began to realize she wasn't ever going to respond. So I went to her house, collected my stuff, and left. I unfriended her on facebook and deleted her number from my phone- I was making it as impossible as I could for myself to try and plead with her to take me back. But what I discovered was by cutting her off, even though in my bitterness and anger I told myself this would be so much better for me, that not having her around would allow me to keep growing, I missed her. And I still miss her, even months later. Friendships, like relationships, can break your heart when they end. And in some instances, I think, friendships are even worse than relationships because friendships shouldn't end in such an abrupt way. And while this friendship's destruction was mostly my fault, I can't help but blame her too- because it does take two people to end something and while she may think she's done the best thing and cut me off, I can't help but hope that she misses me too, that she wishes we were still talking. There are nights where all I want is to hear her laugh at one of my jokes or have her nudge my shoulder in that secret friendship way of ours.
Alas.
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